I have been shilly-shallying around with this Confession. I have tried to persuade myself that I do not actually need to Confess one of the most major events of my life. I don’t want to Confess it. It is humiliating for me. But, I have to. I know I have to, and this has been troubling me a lot this past week.
Last Friday night, I had another dream involving death. I was in the junior common room (JCR) of my university college. A male figure of authority came up to me and said: “You can’t let Dominic be voted in as JCR president. It’s the most important position in the college, and Dominic’s dying.”
“Oh, I suppose not,” I said. But, I wondered why not. If he got voted in and then died would it be such a big hassle to vote in a new president?
This dream left me feeling uneasy. I spent the entire weekend trying to work out what Dominic represented to me.
During my last year at university, I lived in a shared house with Dominic and two others. When my friend first told me that Dominic was going to share the house with us, I was surprised. Did she not know that Dominic was strange and somewhat unstable? Perhaps Dominic was different with this friend. After all, everyone was in awe of this particular friend, and I suspected that Dominic managed to behave normally in front of her. Whereas, I, at that time, acted as a magnet for the quirky of personality, pulling all things strange and not quite normal in a person to the fore.
After a weekend of thinking about someone I had have not seen or even thought of for over a decade, I realised that the most frustrating thing about Dominic was that he always told very in-depth stories, and at the end, I would be left wondering: was that true, or is he making it all up? I have just googled Dominic and discovered that he is now a lawyer (a profession most suited to those who dabble in the blurring of the truth).
The dream, I think is telling me that my days of being liberal with the truth are coming to an end, so I had better make sure that I am absolutely truthful in this Confession and to guard against building it on an untruth. And, as it is so difficult for me to be truthful about what I have to Confess next. I am going off line. I cannot write the next part, leaping from cliffhanger to cliffhanger, playing to an audience. I will lose courage. I need to take a deep breath and just spew it all out. And then, after that, I hope I will have the strength to share it, unedited, with you, my opinion-forming readers.
26 comments:
I think this is pretty normal, you'll be the third maybe fourth one of the people I read doing the same thing in just the last couple days. (Going "off-line" to get some time to put things into words.)
Take your time... I've been reading the confessions from the very beginning... reading and not saying anything because i don't think it's my place to say anything... but i wanted you to know that i have been reading, and will continue to read whenever you come back... and i admire what you're doing...
I'm with mondraussie. I admire what you're doing. It's very good and very brave.
Good luck. A x
hi.. just dropping by here... have a nice day! http://kantahanan.blogspot.com/
Good blog with a very nice content .. good post really
Yeah, go for it! I'm reading, following quietly.
Still checking back ...
i want to say something significant that will bring you back.
we are all guilty of making the same mistakes, just different colors of it.
Totally agree with Seaurchin
Also totally agree with Seaurchin. Hope you are feeling more peaceful, or on the way to it.
Has it already been over a month? My thoughts are with you ♥
Where are you, Tokyo girl? Anxiously waiting for updates ...
Hey, Tokyo Girl. The length of time you've been away from us suggests how great your struggle is to say what you feel you need to. Exposure is frightening, I know, but if it helps, I believe that you're surrounded by a cyber-family of sorts that will not be quick to judge you regardless of the nature of your "Confession." More importantly, it seems to me that secrets shrink and lose their awful power only once they're exposed to the light. Regardless of whether you choose to expose your secret here or in some other way, I hope that you'll be able to unburden yourself of it at some point and find the peace and wellness you seek. I am holding you in my thoughts.
TG,
all the previous posters have already said it all.
I am in no way connected with this blog, but it might offer respite to you or your readers here:
postsecret.blogspot.com
Come back...!!
I incredibly miss you. It's you that took me, few years ago, to undertake this blogging activity. I still remember when: it was a picture of blossoming cherry trees in Japan. I've never been as constant as you are in keeping stick to only one creature (blog), nor have I been able to keep in touch with my own life to tell it. In other terms I do not have you're talent, but I owe you very much. Hope you're well. Christmas is at the door: all we need to be a bit stronger to survive it once again.
Once I wanted to tell a terrible truth in my blog. I was away for a long time, and every day it got harder to come back. Eventually I did creep back, with my tail between my legs, truth untold. I don't think anybody minded. I think so much time has passed now your readers will just be glad to hear from you again, regardless of whether or not you have told us your secret. I think we all just want you to be all right. With love xx
Please just let us know that you're OK.
No need to write anything, just "I'm fine" will do.
Fuck You Bitch
I'm with Lyra, if you could just let us know that you are okay. TG, if you've decided not to write about this particular subject, that's fine. No one is going to judge you for that.
Speaking just for myself, I've started to wonder if you've had an MS flareup, and I'd appreciate knowing you're okay.
Not wanting to write is fine, I'm actually just worried about your health. Give a shout, please.
Thank you everyone for all your concern. I am still writing about this topic. It is taking a considerable amount of time, as there is so much to say. I need to write it off line, as if I write it directly on the blog, the danger is that I write for an audience rather than writing the absolute truth.
So relieved to know that you seem to be OK, healthwise.
Whatever you're struggling to write about that happened in your past, there are lot of us who have followed you all these years enjoying your day-to-day life observations. I'm wondering how grown-up Toby has become in the past several months.
Thanks for checking in, TG :-) I'm glad you're well.
That's a relief. Glad to hear you're ok
Nice to hear that you are OK. Look forward to more of your excellant writing.
Hi, TG, just remember: do what's right for you. Not necessarily what you think is right for your readers. You don't owe us anything.
I hope it'll be okay. I hope you find happiness and peace.
BookieBookie
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